My head is spinning. I finally get an outlet to say words that always seem stuck in the pit of my stomach: “I’m transgender.”
If I couldn’t say it before, how can I possibly say it now?
What if I talked about how every time someone refers to me as “she” I mentally flinch? I could talk about how my skin crawls every time I look in a mirror. It would be awesome to tell people how happy I was when I came out.
It’s much easier to stay silent, to be content with the way people see you. The problem with being content is I’ve wasted years of my life not being my true self, and frankly, it’s made me miserable.
Even if I don’t exactly know how to say it, it has to be said: My name is Regan Johnston and I am a transgender man.
The reason those words are so hard to say is there are a million different ways to come out and a million different ways people react. Sometimes if I think about it too much, it’s enough for me to feel like throwing up.
There’s just no good way to get everyone to understand where I’m coming from.
One important thing I have to realize is not everybody is going to understand and I’m going to have to be okay with that. So this is me being okay with it.
With that in mind, here are a few things I want everybody to know:
First things first: being transgender is hard. It’s messy — messy socially, physically and mentally. Correcting people about my gender is completely mortifying for both of us. I have testosterone shots every other Saturday and have to schedule my plans around that. Unfortunately, even have to inject myself. I used to have a petrifying fear of needles, but I guess that went out the window when I knew I wanted a mustache.
While being transgender may stink, if I had the option to be born again, I don’t think I would change anything (besides adding some abs.) I am the way I am because of my gender situation.
I have empathy, compassion and I am basically a master of zen because of all the misgendering and awkward situations I have to put up with. On top of that, I love watching how much I’ve grown in such a short period of time. I know one day I’ll be a great man, but even better, a great person. That’s good enough for me.
If you would like more information or support go to https://gaycenter.org/about/lgbtq/or https://transformationskc.org/recources/.
For more information about how to protect LGBT against violence, go to the Kansas City Anti-Violence Project at https://www.kcavp.org.